


Faint

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-27
Updated: 2006-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-19 11:49:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12409770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: The lines of friendship steadily became hazy. The border between colleagues and something else were redefined and Beverly became his best friend and most forbidden desire all at once... In then end, there was no choosing between them. COMPLETE!





	1. pride

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Disclaimer: Everything from HP books belongs to JK Rowling

**Faint**

She dreams of him.

Fingers beautifully laced together. Twinkles in their eyes. Laughter bubbling through their mouths. The faintest whisper of an _I love you_ on his lips. A soft kiss and quiet moan escaping hers.

And her eyes bursting open. Shivers attacking her body. Invisible tears in the corner of her eye. An ache in her heart she ignores as the sun begins to rise.

She walks down the dormitory stairs. One slow step. Another slow step until she reaches the ground. He’s there. Hazel eyes filled with laughter. Glasses askew. She glances, and quickly walks away.

She glances at him during breakfast. Calm, self-assured as always while he sits between his companions and talks about the weekend ahead. _Hogsmeade_ , she hears. _Brilliant_ , Sirius growls. Remus looks at her once. She blinks and turns her stare away before his hazel eyes turn her way.

He walks by a group of girls on the way to his seat in class and she hears them whisper. _He’s so dreamy,_ they say. _I hope he asks me._ And then she hears the slightest _Lily Evans_ and feels a crude look her way. Whispers, it’s all that is ever heard in Hogwarts. Gossip is all most people know. And she would die, completely die, if they were to whispers that Lily Evans is another casualty of James Potter. _Knew it would happen eventually_ , they would say. _She’s not as perfect as she seems._

**She really is pride at its finest.**

She needs the day to end so she doesn’t have to **feel** that he is in the same room as her. She really has to just get away.

She runs. Faster and faster until the classrooms fall behind and all that is left is the big oak doors barring the way outside. She pushes, and she is free.

She runs until she reaches the waters edge and contemplates just drowning in the icy waters. Wonders if it hurts to be eaten alive by the giant squid. She falls backward and lies in the grass. Her shirt untucked. Her hair wild and free. She’s a mess, inside and out.

Her eyes close. The spring sun beats on her face as she listens to the bell signaling the beginning of class. She lets out the breathe she sucked in. She never skipped class before.

A laugh. Her eyes shoot open. Above her are his dizzy eyes and a smile. She sits up. Grass attached to her hair and dirt stains on her usually white shirt.

_What are you doing here,_ she asks as her heart begins to beat and she wonders if he can smell her nerves. Can he smell her love?

_I don’t think it’s me that’s out of place._

She looks down. Rips out a blade of grass. Rips another trying to forget he’s there. But his eyes bore into her. Scrutinize her. Destroy her. Love her.

She looks up. Gets lost into the dizzy gold swirls. He reaches for the grass in her hair. His hand grazes her face. Her eyes close at the touch.

_I like you like this_ , he tells her as her eyes open.

_What? Dirty?_

_Normal._ She looks up. He looks back. And there, in the making, is a perfect moment. The world stops spinning. The birds cease to sing. Her eyes close and James Potter leans in to kiss her.

Reality hits her as she leans in. Her head turns. Her palm sweats. And all she knows is that she won’t be another one of _those_ girls. She won’t let herself break. She whispers goodbye and feels his stare as she leaves. His laughter, broken. His glow, dark.

And that night she dreams she is in his arms.

_I love you_ , she whispers in her sleep.

End

 


	2. Anomoly

At night, he sometimes dreams about her.

 

Red hair flowing through his fingers. A willowy body leaning on his chest. A phantom kiss on his lips.

 

He wakes up in a sweat. Still hears her giggles. Still feels her touch. One of these days, she’s going to drive him mad.

 

He takes a cold shower. Shivers as the icy water runs over his body and he tries not to wonder what she’s doing at that moment. He stands under the waterfall. The minutes speed by. _PRONGS_ , he hears someone shout. He leaves the bathroom.

 

He puts on his glasses and with that, his confidence. He is no longer pining. He is no longer depressed. He is only James Potter once he steps through the door way and walks to the common room.

 

Sirius sits by him while they wait for Peter and Remus. Sirius talks about the upcoming game. _Can’t wait to hit a few bludgers_ , Sirius says. He has a hard time listening as he lounges on his arm chair, especially when red hair catches his eye. It moves through the crowd and out the door. _Maybe they can just meet us at breakfast_ , James says and walks to the door.

 

He sits near her at breakfast. Not close enough that it looks deliberate. Just near enough so he can hear her laughter. He glances at her quickly as he sits down. Her hair limb. Her eyes dark. _What is it that makes her so sad_ , he thinks as he sits down. 

 

Sirius talks about Hogsmeade through breakfast. _No dates,_ he shouts. _I don’t want to see one girl. It’s a guys day_. He smiles, it may be nice.

 

She leaves for class early. He tries to think of an excuse. A professor needs to speak to him. He left is notebook in the tower. Too obvious. He leaves when the bell rings.

 

In class, a few girls whisper about him. He pretends not to hear. He stares in front, a little to the left where she sits whispering to her friend. Her hair covers the back of the chair. _It’s so long_ , he thinks and wonders why he never noticed that before. She leans forward to add something to her notes. He looks at his own parchment. Blank but for the doodle of her initials.

 

One of the whispering girls sends him a notes inquiring about the Hogsmeade weekend. _Sorry,_ he writes _, guys day._ He sends it back as he catches her eye. Dark green staring into gold. He smiles. She turns away.

 

When the class ends, he watches her run away. Her books fall behind. Her hairs whips around her. He looks at his watch. He looks towards where she was just minutes before. Without saying goodbye to his friends, he follows. 

 

Her feet echo on the stone floors. He doesn’t see her, but he hears her. Hears her cries. Feels her pain. _Would you tell me what’s wrong if I asked,_ he thinks as he hears the oak doors slam a hallway ahead.

 

He pushes them open. Walks ahead and stands still at a certain distance. She stands over the lake. Hair wild. Control gone. He smiles as he watches her fall onto the ground. _So she isn’t perfect_ , he thinks to himself.

 

He walks over, quietly. The faintest steps. The faintest beating of his heart. He looks at her. The ivory of her face. The cute button nose he thinks he may want to kiss. The dirt she smooched on her left cheek.

 

He laughs. Eyes shoot open. Emeralds glitter up at him in surprise. He smiles. She sits up. Her cheeks turn red. _You’re cute embarrassed,_ he almost says.

 

_What are you doing here_ , he hears. He laughs again. As if he’s the anomaly in this situation. He sits down. She backs away slightly. Too close. 

 

_I don’t think it’s me that’s out of place_ , he chuckles as the faintest smile appears on her lips. She’s a mess, he decides. Grass in her hair. Dirt stains on her shirt. He thinks he just fell in love.

 

He reaches for her. Hands move and pull some of the grass out of her hair. ‘Accidentally’ he touches her face. Her eyes close. His hand tingles.

 

_I like you like this_ , he whispers as if afraid to say it too loud. As if afraid she will not understand. She looks down. She doesn’t.

 

_What? Dirty?_

 

_Normal_ _._ She stares at him. He sucks in a breath. A breeze ruffles up his hair. A leaf falls on her head. Lily Evans’ eyes close and he leans in to kiss her.

 

A turn of her head. His lips still only touching air. _I have to go_ , he hears. _Class._ She runs. He watches. The oak doors slam. He falls backward onto the grass. A hint of a tear rolls down he cheek.

 

That night he thinks about her. Red hair flowing through his fingers. A willowy body leaning on his chest. A phantom kiss on his lips.

 

_I love you,_ he hears her whisper as he slowly falls asleep.

 

End  


 


	3. Complexity of Love

**_A year later…_ **

Yesterday, he kissed the lips of an angel.

Velvety lips pressing gently unto his. A quiet moan. A slight moment of apprehension before he slams her body against the wall.

Passion. Fire. Sinful feelings bursting within. Unrealistic dreams he doesn’t know how _not_ to hang on to. The promise that tomorrow, she would meet him again.

Today, reality hit him right between the eyes. Her eyes sparkling at breakfast. An arm slung over her shoulder. A kiss on her cheek. His eyes narrow into a glare as he stares at Remus. She looks up. She blushes. She looks quickly away.

He doesn’t eat breakfast. No one notices. Sirius stuffs his face. Peter steals Remus’ food. Remus is the only one of the three using a fork and knife. She doesn’t eat either.

In class, she passes him a note.

_Meet me tonight. PLEASE! <3 LE_

He folds the paper up into a neat square. He smells her perfume next to him. His fingers gently graze hers under the desk. She folds her hand into his. Her eyes focused on Remus the whole time. He looks straight ahead. He avoids them the rest of the day.

She arrives first. Early. She paces the classroom, up and down waiting for him to come. She’s stupid, she’s cruel, but she has to meet him. She has to touch him and kiss him and love him. If only, if only last year she let herself embrace this. If only she didn’t try and pretend it didn’t matter, **he** didn’t matter.

A door opens. _James_ , she says as a smile appears on her face.

_We need to talk_ , her smile falls. His eyes remain clouded as he sits on a desk. She sits next to him.

_I love you, Lil. I always have…_ he tries to begin but pauses and silence takes over. They sit next to each other, two awkward teenagers playing in a world of maturity they cannot handle. They are too young to understand the complexity of such passion.

He grabs her hand. Sparks. Passion. All from a single touch. He stares at her pale fingers, traces a vein showing through the skin.

_I can’t do this anymore._ A whisper. As quiet as can be but screamed in her mind. An end, an end to something that never really began.

_James, please we can work this out._ She wants to cry. She wants to beg. But, she won’t. She won’t bring herself to beg him to love her.

_He’s my best friend and every moment I spend with you, every thought I have about you, it’s a betrayal to him._ A swift slide off the desk. He stands in front of her. Stares into her face. Her eyes.

She touches his face. Finger tips barely grazing his tanned cheek as a tear rolls down her nose. _But I love you_ , she whispers. Maybe, maybe that will make it okay.

**It doesn’t.**

His eyes close. A single tear leaks out at her words. _I know, but_ … it hangs in the air. The reality they wish they could pretend does not exist. _But you’re his. You aren’t free to love me. You wouldn’t have me when you could._ It hangs still in the air between them.

_But, he loves you_ , he says instead.

_I don’t care_ , she says. Yet, she does. They both do.

_You love him, too._ There was no accusation. Just a truth, a fact. She loves him. She loves Remus. As a rock. As that constant in life she’s gotten so used to she no longer knows if she can live without him. But James, James is her world.

_Not like, not like I love you._

_Lily, please, don’t make this…_

_Hard? How can it not be?_

_This is wrong. What we’re doing is wrong._

_No, James, this is the only thing about my life that feels right._

His forehead tilts against hers. He can almost taste her. He can feel her breath.

A whisper, _I don’t want to live without you._ A kiss. An end that **feels** so much like a beginning.

He doesn’t ask her to leave his best friend. She doesn’t offer what she isn’t sure in her heart she can do.

The truth is, she loves them both.

_James, I can’t let you go._ A quick look at the ground. Visions of her with Remus. Moments of their love flashing by. The plain truth is that in this moment, their love could never be something free. And he loves the light.

_Be happy with him, Lily._

A step back. A moment’s hesitation before the door slams. She’s alone.

_But I could never love him as I love you, James._ A quiet whisper. A quiet truth. The ruin of her heart as she realizes he walked away.

When she enters the common room, tears wiped clean, the four marauders lounge by the fire. She sits in Remus’ arms and their eyes never once meet. 


	4. Graduation

She couldn’t breathe.

There was no science to it. She wasn’t sick. She didn’t have asthma. She never chokes up when she’s nervous. But her eyes met his in the crowd when she stood up at the podium and she stopped being able to breathe.

_Am I ever going to see you again_ , was her first thought. _What was my speech_ , was a far off second.

A smile, a quick one to mask the sadness in her eyes.

_Seven years,_ she begins _, seven years and we are still waiting for our lives to begin._ _I remember the first time I…_ Her mouth keeps moving. Like someone put a spell on her to keep her in motion as her mind centers on him. He stares right at her. A smile. She can’t breathe.

_Congratulations. We made it!_ Her stare breaks away. She lets out a breath. Remus walks by her to say his speech. She smiles awkwardly and looks away.

The last time she spoke to James, he broke her heart.

It was the most gentle heartbreak she could have endured. It was noble. It was emotional and theatrical. It was so James.

After that, her relationship with Remus fizzled away. It became nonsense moments of hand holding and kisses on the cheek and hallow _I love you_ ’s she could no longer believe in. It became her pretending to be someone she couldn’t be without James.

The last time she spoke to Remus, she broke his heart. 

She wasn’t gentle. She wasn’t noble. It was plain and selfish and ordinary. Instead of theatrics, she told him the truth. _I love James._ He walked away from her without a word.

Nights laughing with the Marauders ended. Days spent under tress studying with Remus slowly trickled away. She got reacquainted with friends she hadn’t spoken to all year.

Broom races when quidditch wasn’t being played. Tiptoeing to the kitchens. Sleepovers in the tower. The funniest Hogsmeade trips she could remember since sixth year. She had missed them.

And most of the time, she almost tricks herself into believing she’s happy.

And then her eyes lock with his. Rare moments that allow them to feel the unspoken intimacy of their broken relationship. Moment lasting until the stronger of the two looks away and she remembers that she forgot how to live without him.

She hears a cheer in the crowd. She stands up. Walks off the stage and into the crowd to hug her friends. A goodbye. _Until next time_ , she hears over and over again.

She feels his stare behind her. Her body tenses. Her throat closes in. She has to get away.

She runs. Her cap falls off just outside the great hall. She runs down winding staircases. Through darkened hallways until she reaches the big oak doors. She pushes, and she is free.

She runs until she reaches the waters edge and contemplates just drowning in the icy waters. Wonders if it hurts to be eaten alive by the giant squid. She falls backward and lies in the grass. Her shirt untucked. Her hair wild and free. She’s a mess, inside and out.

She closes her eyes. Breathes in the summer air. Alone at last.

A laugh. Her eyes shoot open. Above her are his dizzy eyes and a smile. She sits up. Grass attached to her hair. Her robe falling off her shoulders.

_What are you doing here_ , she asks as her heart begins to beat and she wonders if he can smell her nerves. Can he smell her love?

He sits down. Opens his mouth, but words don’t come out. He lifts a hand and pulls a piece of grass out of her hair. Her eyes close at the touch.

_I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye._ That wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

_No one leaves until tomorrow._

_I’m leaving in a few minutes. My parents…_ She looks away. Fights back a tear as she tries to think of what to say. Anything but goodbye.

_This feels so final_ , she settles for instead.

_Lily_ , her name sounds beautiful rolling off his lips. She closes her eyes and basks in the sound. _I’ve missed you, Lily._

_I’ve missed you, too,_ she says pulling a blade of grass out of the ground. Pulling another and then another. He laughs,

_Do you always do that?_

_Only around you_ , she smiles. _James?_

_Yeah._

_I don’t want to say goodbye. If that’s all you came here to say, I won’t say it back._

He stays silent. Pulls some grass out of the ground just like her.

_Then come with me._ It was impulsive. It was whimsical. It was a dream.

_Come where?_

_Anywhere, just come._ A shake of her head. The darkening of emeralds into something less beautiful.

_I can’t just follow you. I can’t just live your life._ He opens his mouth to protest. To tell her it wouldn’t be _his_ life they’re living. It would be theirs. But he closes his mouth, she’s right. At least for now.

_Promise me you’ll write. James, promise me I’ll have a letter by the end of the week._

_I promise._ No hesitation. No regret. It’s the end of their childhood. The end of their innocence. But not of their love.

She wraps her arms around him. They cling to each other. He tilts his head on hers.

_I love you, Lil,_ he whispers.

_I love you, too._

A kiss. The last kiss as children. _James_ is called from the distance. He kisses her one last time and then walks away.

They never utter goodbye. 


	5. And the Months Pass

Yesterday, he thought he saw her hair in a crowd. He was walking through his training center and saw fiery, red hair walking away from him. It took a moment and a small chase in which he scared said red haired woman before he remembered that Lily had never wanted to be an auror.

Last night, he got drunk just to stop thinking about her.

Sirius supplied tequila. Remus grudgingly brought a small bottle fire whiskey. James brought his depression.

The night is a blur. He’s sure he told Sirius that he is in love with him. He’s sure he sang his old school song with Peter as loud as can be. He’s sure that the mysterious black eye he’s nursing was from Remus, after he let it slip, possibly, that he saw Lily behind Remus’ back.

The truth is, he didn’t think he would miss her this much.

Another truth is, he thought she would miss him more.

He wrote her. He told her that his apartment was nice. He told her that Sirius is a horrid roommate. He told her that not being near her was harder than he could have imagined. That, beyond all else, he loved her.

But she never wrote him back.

A small sigh. A scream from across the hall that if they don’t leave now, they’re going to be late.

_Moody will have our asses_ , Sirius calls as James splashes water on his face. A release of breath as he readies himself for another day. A brief walk and they are there.

_Ten laps,_ moody had screamed as the two entered the gym. Standard morning workout. _James,_ he hears behind him as he begins.

A secret smile. Butterflies. Something, something else he cannot describe. _Beverly_ _, hi._

It’s nothing. A chat. A morning run at work. A new friend he likes to spend time with.

It’s not his fault they have passion.

Hidden nights. Midnight hair flowing over his chest. Hard, grasping kisses as each try and forget. Mornings of waking alone yet still shivering from the night before.

_I called you last night._

_Sorry Bev, Remus came over. Boy’s night._

_Well what about tonight?_

A sly smile on his lips. Hangover forgotten. A void slowly being filled.

_Sounds like fun._ Fun and excitement. Danger, a spark, it all comes within the little package of Beverly. Their exactly alike.

A wink. Long, black hair pulling ahead. Nine laps to go.

Five hours and then a lunch break. He and Sirius walk through the London streets. His eyes follow every red-head he sees.

That night he realizes that he doesn’t feel excited about life anymore. It’s motions. It’s moments. It’s boring.

And he realizes that he has slowly forgotten who he was in school.

And then Beverly comes. They smile as you can only do when believing you are embarking on some sort of adventure. They kiss. The bedroom door closes and history is made.

**And it was only one time that her memory intruded upon their intimacy.**

He wakes up. Bed empty. Room cold. The scent of Beverly soaking into every inch of him. And as he remembers Beverly’s touch and Beverly’s moves and the beauty of Beverly’s body at it moves with him, green eyes glitter in the back of his mind.

He almost feels guilty. Yet, all he did was move on without actually moving _anywhere_. And that’s who Beverly is. His distraction from ever having to get over Lily, _ever_.

That day, he goes with Remus to Diagon Alley for his day off. He breathes in the air. He buys some candy he hasn’t had since Hogsmeade. He laughs, that’s the most important thing.

He sits in the ice cream shop as he waits for Remus to finish in the book store. Alone, he wonders where she is. Who she is with. If, if she ever thinks about him. And then he wonders that if she saw him walking down the street if she would recognize him as the boy she once claimed to love.

Remus comes back. A secret smile. Hidden amusement in his eyes. _You would never guess who I saw at the book store._

_Who_ , curiosity peaked. Who was it that made Remus’ circles clear from his face and darkness flee from his eyes?

Remus winks. Remus smiles. And then eats his ice cream. One spoonful. Another spoonful.

_Who?_

_Lily Evans._

The spoon drops out of his hand. A blank mind. _Who,_ he asks again just to make sure he heard right.

_Lily Evans._

Eyes wander around the shop. Kids are running rampant on sugar rushes. Mothers are trying to keep their kids from getting toppings. His heart plummets.

_In the bookstore?_

_She works there I think._

A deep thought. A quick move. _I’ll be right back._

Slow steps through the cobbled streets. He pushes the door open. Immediately, he sees her. Red hair flowing over her shoulder as she laughs at something a customer says. His face reddens. Only he is allowed to make Lily laugh.

 He wanders through an isle just so he can watch her. Elegant hand movements. A perfect smile. The same confident poise she’s possessed since she was fifteen. She’s beautiful, how could he have forgotten?

He watches her for a moment. Then another. Then ten. He breathes deeply. Sucks in his nerves. Sucks in his surprise that all along she was working down the block.

_Lily_ , he says in barely a whisper. 

Emerald eyes wide. Her smile forgotten. The remembrance of something she had been trying to forget. A slight quiver in her voice.

_James._


	6. Like Yesterday... or Not

The last time she saw him, he was holding another woman.

She was a beautiful thing. Wavy, black hair flowing to her waist. A body of an athlete. A laugh that sounded so much like James.

Lily had never hated a stranger before.

Many days since, she knows it’s her fault he has moved on. At school, she used to pretend to be someone after he walked away. She used to pretend to be strong.

**She really just is a coward.**

That’s the reason she never wrote. That’s the reason she didn’t chase after him when she watched his fingers inside another girl’s hand two, three months ago. She’s afraid of what may be the new truth.

And maybe that’s the reason she can’t move right now.

Hair mused up like always. Golden eyes not glowing like they used to. A small smile that no longer lights up his face.

_James._ His name rolls of her tongue. Her body tingles. Her cheeks redden. Suddenly it’s like she saw him yesterday.  


Silence. It chokes her. Consumes her. She fights back a smile.

_You work here?_   She tries to find words but she has suddenly forgotten the English language. Articulate Lily cannot think of one thing to say.

_Lily,_ his eyes bore into hers. It hurts her that they no longer laugh. _You never answered my letters._ She looks away. Down at the book she is holding.

_I…I know._ She manages to get out the words _I’ve been so busy._ It’s a lie. A small one he’ll see through any way.

_I’ve been busy, but I still seemed to find time to write you._ Anger releases itself at the oddest of times. 

_I know. I…_ Speechless again. Because really, what is there to say? What is there to do when you realize, for the first time, you broke someone you love?

A shake of his head. An awkward glance around. The shift of his feet as his eyes once again meets hers.

_Remus is waiting,_ he says and walks away. She opens her mouth to call him back. Tries to move her feet, but finds herself paralyzed. The bell on the door rings, and she knows he’s gone.

She would never admit this, but she knows where he lives.

She found out by accident when she spoke to Remus earlier that day. _Always at their apartment_ , he laughed, _on the corner of 9 th and Long._ She looked perplexed when he told her, but she knew where it was. Hestia, her best friend, lives in that exact complex. She was there almost every other day.

She would never admit this, but when she went over to Hestia’s that night, it was only for another glimpse at James. Just to see him. Just to see his eyes laugh like they used to. Just to know that he isn’t like her, broken.

She stood still for ten minutes. Her legs barely supported her weight. A long breath and she lifts a shaky hand to the door and rings the bell. She’s amazed by how _normal_ it sounds.

_Hi_ , she hears as a perky head pokes out the slightly open door. Lily sucks in a breath. She really is beautiful, more beautiful close up then Lily could have imagined. _Are you looking for someone?_ Her eyes laugh. Her smile glows. She seems so much like James.

_I’m looking for James Potter_ , she manages to get out.

_Bev, who is it?_ It was his voice. Naming _her_. Naming the person he replaced her with. Bev, Lily thinks, it really is an ugly name.

_It’s… I’m sorry I didn’t get your name._ Apologetic eyes. A nice smile. ‘Bev’ is all but perfect.

_It’s Lily. Lily Evans._ Eyes darken with recognition. Suddenly, she feels less welcome as James’ figure comes to the door. _Hi James_ , she says as Beverly’s icy blue eyes bore into her.

And James, James doesn’t know what to say. So, they stand there. Three people, fresh out of school, looking as awkward as they did at the age of eleven. 

Some things, Lily realizes, never change.

Suddenly, she smiles out of her trance. A turn of her head that could make any man swoon. James stares at her. Beverly stares at James. She keeps are eyes on the sky.

_I didn’t mean to intrude. I was on my way to Hestia’s. You remember her from school right. Short, blond, completely ridiculous. She lives on the floor above you. Funny how these things happen, right?_ She was rambling. She couldn’t help it. It’s what she does when she’s nervous.

_Lily,_ she hears his voice for the first time, but goes on.

_Remus, he told me you lived here. Today, well that was a fiasco by any definition so I thought… I thought… You know_ , she says looking into his eyes for the first time _, I don’t really know what I thought._

And he does the oddest thing, he laughs. And she smiles, smiles like she did almost a year before when James was still _her_ boy. 

_Do you want to come in?_ Beverly’s voice intrudes on their intimate moment. Unconscious payback for all the times Beverly looked into James’ eyes and knew he was thinking about Lily.

_No, no I really don’t want to interrupt._ Her eyes darken at the sound of Beverly’s voice and the remembrance that James now belonged to someone else. _I just came to say, I’m sorry.  
_ __

She looks into James’ eyes in earnest just trying to resurrect something she believes had died long ago in him.

_Lily, come inside,_ he says. Just to see her standing there. To look at her. To smell her and not be able to touch her. He has never known such torture before.

She shakes her head and glances at Beverly. _Lily_ , he says, but her walls are firmly back in place as she remembers, he is someone else’s now. The fear is back, as if it never left for that fleeting moment when her smile bared her soul.

_I’ll see you around._ She backs away slowly. Walks each step with great care feeling his stare forever on her. She half hopes he will chase after her. Half hopes he runs to her, kisses her, and tells her that he loves her. That he has loved her all along.

He doesn’t.  


 


	7. Love Brids

He kisses her.

Soft velvety lips pressing against his. The scent of vanilla enchanting him. The familiar all consuming need for her freeing itself from dormancy.

Emotions swarm around them. Love and happiness and pain and something darker all mixed together as he ferociously attacks her lips

_I need you Lily_ , he whispers against her lips. Grasping her tightly. Never feeling that her body is close enough.

_James_ , she moans. She pulls him closer. Her body pushes against the wall. He corners her. Devours her.

There is something beautiful about this moment. Beautiful and magical and haunting all at once.

A great need being fulfilled. Fantasies becoming reality, but for how long? How long can this go one before black hair and icy blue eyes come back and remind them,

**He isn’t hers anymore.**   


Her shirt is the first to hit the floor. His follows seconds later as her legs curve around his waist. He carries her to the bedroom door. Her body slams against it as she deepens the kiss. The door opens and he carries her inside. Instinctively, she giggles and he laughs. 

It almost feels like their first time, **without the security of tomorrow.**  


_I love you,_ it was whispered. Barely audible through their moans as he brings her to the bed. But she said it. The first one to say it since Hogwarts.

_I love you, too_ , whispered in her ear as he gently pulls himself on top of her. Gentle, smooth kisses on her lips, on her neck. Then nothing.

_James_ , she asks looking into his eyes, perplexed.

_I just want to make sure you’re real._ She pulls his face to hers. Kisses him with a ferocity she never knew was inside of her, _  
_

_What is real_ , she whispers. He smiles against her mouth.

_Shut up._

The rest of their clothes are lost. The covers fall off the bed. Four hours later, neither can move.

And then the morning comes. He hasn’t ever woken up next to someone before. He never watched the sunlight stream over her face. He never felt the numbness of his arm from her weight. He never felt that warmth of knowing someone is brave enough to stick around.

He’s never realized, until this moment, just how much he loves her.

Her eyes flutter. Her mouth yawns. She smiles as she takes him in.

_Good morning,_ she lazily whispers.

Fingers running over her cheek. A nose leaning into her red hair. The feel of him still on her.

_Hey_ , he says as he kisses her cheek. _Breakfast?_

A question answered by a nod. She hastily decides to get dressed in her clothes from before. He, decently, walks out of his room in his boxers.

A laugh comes from the kitchen as they hear the frying of eggs and see knives buttering toast. _Morning, Love birds,_ Sirius smiles, _after listening to you all last night I thought you might be hungry._

Lily blushes. _Hi Sirius_. James smiles and laughs it off. Obviously, this isn’t the first time one of them has done this.

_Quite a night for you two, wasn’t it? All that pent up emotion and what not,_ Sirius smiles as he brings three plates to the table. Lily and James smile. It’s hard to be angry at the person bringing you breakfast.

_Sirius, it’s been too long._ She hugs him. Laughs slightly just by looking at him. Feels that maybe, she could once again be the Marauders’ favorite girl. She would never admit this, but that’s what she missed most about school. **Them.**

_Well, you did drop off the face of this Earth, Evans. Bullocks!_ Butter from the pan flies unto his arm. Quite a sight actually. An apron around his waist. A spatula in his right hand.

_You’ll make someone a good wife one day, Sirius._ James smiles at his best friend as he takes Lily’s hand.

_Oh, that reminds me._ _Beverly_ _sent you a letter._

She drops his hand. She looks down at the plate. And there it is.

It has been a few weeks since they have been reacquainted, but she never once asked him about Beverly. 

Not about her job. Not where she lives. Not what she’s like. Not who she is to him.

Lily would rather not know.

But the underlining truth in James’ and Beverly’s relationship. The truth in Beverly’s eyes and James’ reluctance to bring Beverly up, says more than words ever could.

_I have to go to the bathroom_. Quiet whisper. Small footsteps echoing on the tile. The call of Lily as she disappears into his room.

_Lily,_ he says again as he sees her sitting on his bed. She isn’t crying. She isn’t angry. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to feel in this situation. 

_What are we doing, James_ , she says in a quiet voice. The voice of a child so afraid of the answer to her question.

_Being together._ He walks over to her. Kneels on the floor in front of her and pulls some of her read locks out of her eyes.  


_Have you slept with her?_   He looks away. Not wanting to reveal the truth but knowing what a lie could cause.

_Yes._ He doesn’t look at her. She wipes away a tear.

_Recently?_ A moment. An eternity. It becomes painful for him to speak.

_Yes._ Her body shudders. He looks at her. Wipes away a telltale tear from her cheek.

_Lily, she doesn’t…  
_

_Don’t say that James. Don’t say she doesn’t mean anything. She must mean_ **something** _._

_Lily, she and I, it’s so hard to explain. We’re friends._ He tries to begin but can’t.

_Do you love her?_ She asks.

_I love you._

__  
_That’s not what I asked you._   


_I… I don’t know._ The truth spills out of his mouth like a cough he can’t keep deep within. Because how can he not love Beverly? How can he not love the one person who made life possible this past year? How can he not love the one person who is so much like he was in school?

He fell in love with Beverly because she reminded him of something he lost…himself.  


She stays still for a moment. Takes in the information that she may not be the one in his heart anymore. Her arms curve around him and she leans her head down in the crook of his neck.

_James,_ she asks softly.

_What?_ She kisses him gently on the neck. Holds her mouth there and pulls away before she can get lost in her building emotion.

_I need you to do something for me._

_  
__Anything._ She looks at him in the eye. Touches his cheek. And asks him something he didn’t have the courage to ask her a year before. She asks him to choose.  


 


	8. illusion

The first time he met Beverly, she was flirting with Sirius.

There was a familiar laugh filling the air. A sardonic eye roll showing James that no matter what pretty words Sirius says, she saw through his bull shit. And then there was the hand flowing unconsciously through her wild, black hair. The first time James saw Beverly, she was breathtaking. 

He walked over to them. Told Sirius to stop acting like such a prat. Looked at Beverly and complimented her on resisting the ‘Black” charm. And then he laid down a few lines of his own.

**_By the way_ ,** he had said, _you’re way too beautiful for Sirius. A beauty like yours shouldn’t be wasted on the likes of him._

She had laughed. _Is that right?_

_Yes it is._

_And who’s worthy? You Mr…_

_Potter, James Potter._ Then there was a moment, His outstretched hand. The warmth he got when she put her hand on his palm. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her.

_Beverly_ _._ She had said. Smiling, her eyes laughing. There was a tug of his heart. A familiarity he seemed to have forgotten.

She was the first girl he had looked at since he fell in love with Lily Evans three years before. In a matter of days, it felt as if he had known her forever. It was one of those relationships. They clicked.

Laughing eyes. Ironic smirks. An aloof intelligence wasted on sarcasm. Beverly, he soon realized, was the person he had forgotten how to be. She _was_ him, and it scared him while completely invigorating him. Scared him because he never knew a person before who could look into the depth of his soul and understand his innermost angst. She could see him without scrutiny, without bias, and know exactly what he needs.

With Beverly, James has always been an open book.

She can read his eyes, his smile, the slight move of his hand when he’s nervous that no one else would notice and feel what it is he wanted her to do.

The lines of friendship steadily became hazy. The border between colleagues and something else were redefined and Beverly became his best friend and most forbidden desire all at once.

It happened quickly. A moment. A look into those icy blue eyes when he realized that if he never found Lily, that if for the rest of his life all he had was Beverly, he would be okay. He would survive, but more than that. He would be happy.

With her, a time he thought passed is resurrected. A time when he knew how to be alive. It is an illusion. A trick of his mind in order to save his heart from further damage because although she doesn’t fill the emptiness of his heart, she makes him _believe_ that she does. 

She fell in love with him one night unexpectedly. When they were together, Lily’s memory followed them like a ghost. Haunting every touch. Haunting every accidental _I love you_ that fled their lips in the moments of the highest passion.

And then one night, he had just needed her. Not because of loneliness or the need to _feel_ something, but because he just needed _her_. It was the only time that she could look into his eyes and know that his passion was purely for her.

And she made the mistake of falling in love with him.

**And here is where the story becomes complicated.**

It was easy for her to love him. It was easy for him to assume that he loved her. With Lily, it was different. _They_ were different. Lily and James have been completely wrong for each other from the start but tricked by the fates into a love that is everlasting. It is eternal and passionate and, at the time he met Beverly, his love for Lily was torturous. 

Beverly, in contrast, is his other half. They fit together like matching pieces of a puzzle. Formed a sort of ‘at first sight’ bond with one look into each other’s eyes. Beverly, by any standard, should have been James’ soul mate.

**But, she isn’t.**

Illusions only have power when the magician is around to bring them forth. When Beverly wasn’t near him smiling. When her eyes weren’t laughing and her intense remarks weren’t heard, green eyes filled his mind. The thought of Lily, the need to see her, to _be_ with her, overwhelmed him until the next moment he held Beverly in his arms. 

The only person he could ever truly want is in front of him.

And that’s how he knew that when Lily asked him to choose, no matter how heart breaking or painful it will be, there is no _choosing_ between them.

James’ heart has always belonged to Lily.

He wipes her hair out of her eyes. Clears away the fearful tear still randomly falling. He kisses her.

Slowly. In such a way that she could _feel_ his love radiating from the kiss. Her arms curve around his neck as she leans into him. The kiss breaks. His forehead leans against hers as he swallows hard.

_It’s you, Lily,_ he whispers. _It’s always been you._

**END!**


End file.
